i was talking to my midwife at one of my last appointments and she was asking how i felt about having a second baby. i'm excited, definitely, and scared, mostly. i'm excited to have two kids but not to have another baby. you know that silly little thing on facebook where you can pick your top five "things" or whatever? i saw one that was "five things you dislike that everyone else seems to love". if i had to pick mine, shia labeouf would be on the list... and so would babies. i just like them. oh, i love my babies and the babies of those whom i love, but i'm more of a toddler/school age person myself. i like communication and crying for specific reasons (or better yet, no crying!).
anyway, my midwife had a couple of great things to say to me. first, she commented on my close, sweet relationship with caleb (points to her!). and she told me that while i was worried about how having another baby would affect him, it would be harder on me. i think she's right... he'll figure out how to deal with it and bounce back quickly. plus, i think he'll be a really great big brother. and i'm excited for him to learn that the world doesn't revolve around him :) but it will be hard on me to watch him learn. so i'm trying to think about that once in a while, sort of preparing myself and sort of reassuring myself.
the second thing my midwife had to say was about love for a second baby. she said that, for her, she definitely had that "mother tiger" love for her new baby: fierce and protective. but the deep, knowing love took a while to develop. at first, she felt like she didn't love her second as much but then she realized it was just that she didn't have the memories and time with her that she'd had with the first. i think it might be the same for me. i love alia already and i know the second i lay eyes i her, there's nothing in the world i won't do for her. but the love that i feel for caleb is different than that... it's come from a history together, from studying one another and spending every day together. and even though i won't have that love for alia right away, it makes me excited to start working on it. to start learning about this precious girl who i get to know and care for and love.
i hope i remember these things when the time comes... when i'm feeling down and confused and uncertain. i hope i remember how hopeful and excited i'm feeling right this minute. because i think it will give me the extra boost i need to make it through another day.